Butt ass naked and overthinking…

What feels like a thousand steps forwards, now feels like 200 back. Just when you think you can do it, you crumble, emotions take over, fear, anxiety, judgement.

I have been sharing my stories for quite some time now, mostly about facing up to my fears, finding ways to move forward, learning more and more about who I am on a daily basis.

The past few weeks I have spent a lot of time thinking about finding a balance in my life of work, play and most importantly ME time.

I decided to treat myself twice a month to a massage, and it’s about time. I do try to look after my body and my health, it’s so so important to me to keep it the best nick I can. I have started drinking pints upon pints of water a day ( that’s another story coming soon ) cut out caffeine entirely, and also stopped oil, sugar and salt from my Vegan lifestyle, Vegan SOS…

Ok, I have got a little bit sidetracked now, I am not talking about food, but I am talking about health and how important it is to do the things you enjoy, release happy endorphins, finding those extra few minutes doing something just for you…

My current list of me time includes…

  • Meditate every morning at least 20 minutes (before anything else)
  • Yoga self-practice ( 5 minutes, 30 minutes an hour ! just do something for you )
  • Walking in nature (no phone, no distractions, just me and the beauty of mother earth)
  • Spending time with my Boys Jim and Dave, outdoors, cuddling on the couch.
  • Time with a good book every night before sleep
  • a massage once a month or more
  • Go swimming and to the Gym once a week……. dramatic horror music begins……

Go swimming and to the Gym, that’s a natural one right? Correct for most, something like this is a walk in a park a pleasure and most definitely not a scene from, a day at the pool  “Get me out of here.”

My initial intention was to go to the Gym, which I amazingly get to use once a week for free as I teach in the centre dance to kids, so I thought I should make the most of this remarkable benefit, take advantage and do something new, for ME…..

After sacking of the idea of the gym; like a million questions ran through my mind, what do I wear ?, will I know how to work the bike? Where do I even go ?, what if the bikes are busy what should I do ?. Crazy right ?, yep that’s exactly how I felt, so let’s skip the Gym and go straight to the pool, it can’t be that hard, can it?

How wrong was I?

Let’s go back an hour or two, I assessed the pool from the moment I parked my car, scanning the steamy windows the blue lights glowing surrounding the pool, I could see a few people swimming back and forth. Looks cosy and warm, all good thoughts.

I approached the reception and mentioned I was going to take advantage of the swimming pool after my class. I was given a wristband, placed it on my wrist, and went ahead to teach the lovely kids some moves for an hour.

Class ended, and an amazing one it was. So it’s water time Woop Woop, ME time, let’s do this.

Oh but first let’s go and check, how many people are in there, I casually made my way to a viewing window in the restaurant.

“ Why is everyone in pairs, and chatting to each other “

When I’m just me, will I look silly, I definitely don’t want to stand out as the newbie to the pool.

I caught I glimpse of several people relaxing in the Spa pool.

“ Do they all know each other, would it be weird if I accompanied them ”

I also could see the faint outline of feet through the steamy sauna door.

“ Is anytime a good time to open the sauna door, I don’t want to be the one to let out all the steamy heat “

Believe me, I had a good look and a million more questions to add…

“ You can do this Mimi “ I talk to myself a lot….

Upon entering the Women’s changing area, there were lockers to my left and two doors to my right, labelling cubicle 1 and cubicle 2, what is going on,  I’m in the fricken Crystal maze of swimming pools.

Whats the difference with these cubicles are the to share, or for individuals, this is not like how I remember pool changing areas.

Ip dip dog shit lets go for 1, open the door, it will be fine, 2 ladies standing nearby probably thinking what on Earth am I doing…… (  I take that back, they have probably not even noticed I’m there and the dilemma I am in the midst off )

Cubicle 1 open, tah dah….. hmmm a fair sized room, housing a baby pen, a bench and 1 hair dryer, and I presume a shower at the end.

“ Is this cubicle for just one person, do I lock the door and get in my bikini, or do I leave it open for anyone to enter and possibly see me butt naked “

Question, question, question, they go on and on…

I know how ridiculous all this seems, but for me, I have always been anxious in doing something new, its a fear of standing out, something I’m not super comfortable with.

Yet I can travel to India alone, I can teach a crowd of 1000 in an Olympic stadium, yet I can’t get in the fricken pool.

So why do I feel this way ask myself? I started with just one worrying thought/question, which in turn escalated into many, in the end getting out of hand to the point where I panicked. Knowing that I was going to take on a new hobby, step out of my comfort, there, I said before I even started.

Stepping outside of my comfort zone or maybe a better way to put it is pushing my natural personal boundaries.

Stepping into a comfort zone…

Trying something new.

So let’s turn this around, change my patterns of thought, look ahead, not back and believe I can do anything I fricken like because I’m awesome.

I get to go swimming in a heated blue lit relaxing swimming pool once a week for free, I can chill in the sauna, bask in the spa, how marvellous is that.

I am so grateful, and I will overcome this, this time next week, I will be swimming like a fish in water.

“ you are only confined by the walls you build yourself “.

I asked myself, why I am I sharing this story, firstly we all have fears about different things, patterns in life have formed and are hard to break, but in sharing my story and supporting each other we can grow, learn to believe in ourselves, so many books and blogs have inspired me and encouraged me along this journey.

Secondly, writing releases within me a sense of belief, awareness, understanding, being conscious of my thoughts, the ups and the downs.

I can do this, just be…. 

You can do this, your amazing ❤️

Let’s chat, what scares you? Sometimes the simple things can be the hardest, no matter how big or small we all have fears. My other phobia/fear is buses, WTF, I can’t remember the last time I got on a bus alone, I think maybe my school days…. bus time coming soon, eek 😁

Just – Mimi

“ Be the hero of your story “

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