Did you know before the 17th century, almost all cultivated carrots were purple.
The modern-day orange carrot wasn’t cultivated until Dutch growers in the late 16th century took mutant strains of the purple carrot and gradually developed them into the sweet, plump, orange variety we have today.
As far back as I remember I have always felt different to everyone else, a feeling of unease around crowds, never feeling like I fit in, belonged where I was, the odd one out.
Never until now really taking the time to think why. How come I felt different.
I was always the quiet one, the shy one, the unheard one. I never knew how to express myself, I never knew how to make myself heard.
Fear was holding me back. But fear from what?
I remember back to my school days when the teacher would ask a question in class, although more often than not I thought I knew the answers, I would never raise my hand, fear of getting it wrong, fear of everyone looking at me and judging me, fear of rejection, fear of failure.
I hung around with a group of girls, whom aptly named themselves the le clique, I never felt part of the le clique, they always had pristine hair, shiny shoes, tidy school bags and the neatest handwriting, the type where they put a heart over every letter i. I tried to fit in, but never felt like I could be me, at sleepovers they would talk about dresses and shoes, I would spend my time smiling, and just looking in from the outside, thinking why I was not like everyone else, why I can’t I be bubbly like the others, have fun, smile, tell jokes. I just kept myself quiet, hurting quietly inside.
I have a traumatic memory of going around to their house to revise one day, knocking on the front door and no answer, peering into the window and seeing them all hiding and hearing their faint giggles and laughter, as a child this hurt me a lot and has maybe affected me for the rest of life. Always wanting to be the one to fit in, still being insecure, continually thinking there is something wrong with me, worrying about what people were saying and caring what they thought of me.
It was not until I left for college in London at the age of 16 where things started to get better, a clean slate, a new start……
It was here I really found dance, the first time when I could relate to others, as we all had something finally in common, dance taking me away to a place where I could get lost, a place where I didn’t have to speak, a place I could be quiet, and just dance. I was still always the quiet one, and struggled to express myself when others were watching, but felt I had finally found a place of comfort. I loved my London days and thought I really started to grow. The first weeks were hard after leaving my home comforts at 16. But I now believe and know these changes are what make us stronger, getting through the times of weakness, the times where we really struggle.
After college, I moved to Germany and made many friends from many cultures and ethnicities. I think this is where my passion for travelling stems from, my feeling of never knowing where to settle, not knowing where to call home. My father passed away many years later, and I returned back to the UK to be by my mother, I very traumatic time of grief and sadness for me my mum and my sister, a small family. I never really travelled again and ended up staying in the UK, in Blackpool, a place I never felt I belonged.
Still the quiet one, but now putting on a brave face and acting like all is perfect, but deep down, this feeling of not being wanted or accepted has never really gone away, I still feel different, and feel people don’t get me, I feel lost and confused.
The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.
— Friedrich Nietzsche
From today onwards, I am going to stand proud, proud of who I am, proud to be the purple carrot, not trying to be like anyone else, staying true to myself, following my heart and believing in me.
I may be quiet, I have realised I like this in me, I don’t have to talk, I don’t have to be the centre of the crowd, I don’t have to be the loudest, I don’t have to make the jokes, I don’t have to do anything. I just need to be me, except myself, do not judge myself, love myself and continue smile, head held high, I’m unique, I’m weird, I’m fantastic, and I frickin love myself.
We are all unique, all different, we all have an inner purple carrot.
Be proud to be the purple carrot.
Lots of love
Just Mimi xxx
To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.
3 Comments Add yours
Great post Mimi! I can really relate to a lot of the feelings you’ve written about. Being the quiet and different one when I was younger in unhappy and damaging friendships has instilled in me similar feelings of insecurity, caring too much about what others think and a fear of being heard. Plus I also feel like I don’t belong here. I didn’t know you lived in Germany and London, that’s amazing. People don’t get me either. Keep being you because we dont have to be bubbly orange carrots, they are just the ones who shout above the others. The quiet ones are just hiding in the shadows! X
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Thank you for your comment, the reason I started blogging is i realised we are not alone, we all have our ups our downs, our insecurities and fears, and it has helped me face them by blogging and speaking to people like yourself, lets stand proud, learn to love ourselves, love purple carrots xxx